Non-Jews are for practice
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
