if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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