so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
