just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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