i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
