Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
