I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
