Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
