He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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