When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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