If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Drake has all the answers
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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