fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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