Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
