wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I know her cup size but not her name....
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