I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
