i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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