I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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