Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
