I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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