i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
