You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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