I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
