remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Vodka?
Forever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
