fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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