I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
