You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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