There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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