I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
