whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
