Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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