Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
