My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
