Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
As shirtless as possible
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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