before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
