that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
