She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
And then he peed in my hair
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