When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
