life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
