four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
