Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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