I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
