I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
