Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
