In the future we'll all be gay
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
