Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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