Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
