He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
