so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
