i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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