You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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