So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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